L for Love?

Hey everyone, sorry for the hiatus.
I didn't leave it unattended on purpose, I'm just too busy for everything.
I feel kinda shitty as I can't seem to accomplish anything.
Yeah, I meant EVERYTHING, literally.
Oh well, see how it goes...

Let's not track back my schedule, you guys might sleep.
You guys know how MUCH I can type in a post, right? :D
So, just a little food for thought.
Watched 'L for Love, L for Lies' yesterday on Channel 8.
For your information, it's a movie starrring Alex Fong and Stephy Tang.
I've watched it like, 3 times? But the same feeling comes back to me all the time.

There's this part, when Leila Tong confesses to her boyfriend about her speeches.
" I often kick up a big fuss, that's because I want you to understand me and care about me.
When I said that I don't want to, it actually means that I want to.
When I said that I don't feel like it, it actually means that I feel like it.
When I said that I wanna go on diet, I'm actually waiting for you to say ' It's okay, you're not fat, I love the way you are and that's enough '... "

My heart wrenched when I heard this, period.
It's always the case, isn't it?
I often say that I'm ugly, I'm fat, I wanna go on a diet, I wanna go for plastic surgery, but anyone knows the reason behind it?
When I say these, everyone will say, 'Crazy!'.
I just wanna hear things like, you are pretty enough, you are skinny enough... etc
Just these, is it very difficult?
Or maybe, it's just things that people don't feel right to say because I ain't pretty and skinny in reality.
Yeah, true enough, I'm not skinny as I have muscles, or I should say, developed muscles.
I have a huge build, but is that what I want?
I can't be any lighter anymore, I have no choice but to enhance on my body contour.
I don't want to get compared with people about my looks, it hurts my pride.
I know I should face the fact, but I can't as it is indirectly hurting my mum too.
She uses almost half of her lifetime nurturing me, spent 8 months plus to protect me in her womb and gave me nutrients, and painstakingly gave birth to me.
She doesn't want to see me looking down upon myself.
I don't want myself to have low self esteem either, but I just can't seem to level it up.

It seems like I'm kicking a big fuss over things that can't be changed in a split second.
However, yeah, I'm just like that.
I hate the fact that no one is actually knowing how I feel.
I hate the fact that only mum is giving me all the love that made me feel real guilty about it because I know that I am unable to repay her back.
I hate the fact that I cannot lighten my mum's burden for our life expenses.
That's the reason why I have so many outside commitments, I want to have a nice portfolio, to earn money.
I want to lighten my mum's burden.
Teachers reading this, do you now understand why can't I hand in my work on time?
Do you now understand why can't I seem to devote my time into schoolwork and CCA?
I can't let my mum carry everything, it's too heavy and tiring for her.
That's why I want to find work, I want to lessen my mum's burden.

Can you understand, my dear teachers?
Oh well, I doubt my teachers read this..
Yeah, whatever man.
No one can help me when I don't wanna help myself.
Blah blah blah, bye people.